How Badly I Want to Kill Myself and Aoi-chan

Honestly, can someone tell me how to commit suicide? What's the easiest way to kill myself? Is it stabbing yourself with a knife? Drown yourself in the tub maybe? Eat medicine with some carbonated drinks (very popular among students like me here at my country)? Is there any way that we can kill ourselves without feeling pain or without knowing that we're dying?

Why am I asking this emo-like question?

No, it's not because that idiot who accuse me for something I didn't do, hell no, it's not her. I don't even want to leave DA because of a stupid thing.

Besides, she had already apologize so no worries on that.

I hate myself, you know why?

My classmates hate me just because I'm too quiet in the class, and didn't do good with my presentation which I had to speak but I disappointed them. They totally can see how unsociable I am. And how suck my English is. Why can't they help me instead of hating me and say bad words about me behind my back?

I love those guys, I love the class, I adore the group, I love the lecturers but I would never expect this to happen.

I've already had enough problem and tense from the coming exam and family problem, and now they're giving me emotional problem.

Am I that awful?

Is being too quite is hurting your souls?

Did I even touch you with my quietness?

Did my unfriendliness kill you to death?

I am thankful that one of them told me about this, god bless her.

It's not my fault I became their group leader, I was chosen randomly. What do I have to say about it?

Since then, I never see everyone in the class like before; they were like death angels with that innocent human face of theirs.

I can't even look at their faces without that scare feeling.

Even my housemates have the same look. It's like as if they want to kill me and send me to where it is better for me to stay.

I hate my life, I can't even face the real world, and how am I going to continue my life? Am I ever will live until 25?

What am I kidding? No one knows me. Who are you to stop me from killing myself? Not my parents, my best friends (I don't think I even have one), my family and the people that I love.

I love everyone but will anybody love me truly and not being hypocrite?

I wish I was like a few months back when I didn't have to go to college and mix with people. I was the best (not that good but not bad neither) and I like it when people encourage me to continue on.

I wish I'm as friendly and active as I am in the net, but of course, internet is not reality.

But back then, still, I'm not as good any professional. I have stupid ideas, stupid drawing skills, stupid Photoshop skills and I can't write a fan fiction or essay because my English is not good. I was making a fool out of myself. And people were laughing when I didn't look at them.

Every time I look back at those comments that everybody gave towards my artwork, I felt people were lying just so I can feel good about it. They never meant it at all, as my black-negative heart said to myself. The world is cruel. Those comments are nothing but major lies.

And I haven't finish those drawings that I've promised long ago, and I felt like going to heaven (or maybe hell, who knows) is the only solution. I'm sorry, people. Please meet me in hell then. I can't handle it anymore.

And now, people seems to have a 'you're such a disgusting and a major disappointment to the whole society, why are you here in the first place? Go back to where you came from, bitch' saying on their face.

I wish I'm an animal instead of a human, so that I could never think about these things that messed up my head.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry fellow followers and watchers of mine...

I love you guys too but...

I'm not the retarded person you once knew. I feel like jumping off the 4th floor where I'm staying right now. I could have jump but everything I think about it, I kept thinking about , I love her so much, I just don't want her to cry like she did a few month back, it's painful enough to hear her on the phone, crying.

and every time I think about her, I kept on thinking about how I'm being so unfaithful to her just because I'm having a boyfriend (but I love him so much like I love her too). It feels like cheating. I'm really sorry , I really love you, it's just that I like boys too.

Now I myself am having some doubts that my boyfriend really loves me because his ex is still there when I'm not around. I don't know if I hate her or not. Shouldn't my boyfriend be blame for not being faithful or he's just too friendly?

And now I know how hurt it is to be hated and being cheated all of their hearts.

I wish I could hug somebody right now.

Bad enough I don't have any friends in the college, I can't even hug in real life.

I know I'm not physically strong in reality but I wish can at least be strong mentally.

I love you guys, really, but I think I've been hallucinating bad things about you. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me ...

Please help me before I jump off from this floor. Please. The voices keep telling me to jump off that balcony at any moment...